Jimmy Carr Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.171, Penguin

• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Children, Humor

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

• If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Jesus, Children

  "Comedy Central Presents: Jimmy Carr". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2005.

• My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Father, Humor

• I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

• My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Book

• I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, War, Humor

• I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Moving, Humor

• My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Dad, Humor

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.191, Penguin

• Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Cat

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

• In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Tomatoes

  FaceBook post by Jimmy Carr from Mar 24, 2008

• The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Men

• Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Ends

• There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

• I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

• Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Sex

• See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Speak No Evil

• I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Children, Self Esteem

• I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

• It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Home, Humor

• My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

• No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.89, Penguin

• I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

• My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Sex, Dad

• Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Workout, Humor

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

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