Stephen Colbert Quotes - Page 14

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• I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

  Stephen Colbert

  Art, Nice, Mean

  Stephen Colbert's Commencement Address at Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois, www.alternet.org. June 5, 2006.

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• In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

  Stephen Colbert

  Zoos, Congratulations, Class

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• Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant.

  Stephen Colbert

  Would Be, Citizens United, Said

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.

  Stephen Colbert

  Wisdom, Jobs, Yes You Can

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• Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.

  Stephen Colbert

  Vampire, Necks, Halal

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• If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

  Stephen Colbert

  Gay, Impossible, Hermaphrodites

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• Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

  Stephen Colbert

  Dog, Animal, Kingdoms

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• I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

  Stephen Colbert

  People, Vampire, Trends

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• If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.

  Stephen Colbert

  Nerd, Huge, Ifs

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• Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

  Stephen Colbert

  Sex, Ignorance, Oedipus

  TV Series "The Colbert Report" (Season 2, 2006), 2005–2015.

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• You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

  Stephen Colbert

  Eggs, Breaking Eggs

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• Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.

  Stephen Colbert

  Inspirational, Laughter, Swelling

  "Stephen Colbert on why Stephen Colbert is awesome". Interview with Dan Snierson, ew.com. January 11, 2007.

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• And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

  Stephen Colbert

  Inspirational, Graduation, Phones

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• Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.

  Stephen Colbert

  Reality, Support, Climate

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• It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls.

  Stephen Colbert

  Two, Cnn, Awards

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• So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']

  Stephen Colbert

  Christian, Trying, Charity

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• President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry.

  Stephen Colbert

  Thinking, Eight, Europe

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• Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

  Stephen Colbert

  Men, Giving, Loan

  "The Colbert Report" with Stephen Colbert, May 14, 2008.

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• I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.

  Stephen Colbert

  Character, Boxing, Feelings

  "The man in the irony mask". Interview with Seth Mnookin, www.vanityfair.com. October, 2007.

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• Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free will and abused it by not obeying authority. Hell was created by Satan’s disobedience to God, and his purposeful removal from God’s love—which is what hell is. Removing yourself from God’s love. You send yourself to hell. God does not send you there.

  Stephen Colbert

  Love You, Angel, Men

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• I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

  Stephen Colbert

  Reality, Men, Thinking

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• Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.

  Stephen Colbert

  Character, Wonderful

  Interview with Nathan Rabin, www.avclub.com. January 25, 2006.

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• I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.

  Stephen Colbert

  Character, Looking Forward, Shows

  "Colbert to succeed Letterman as host of 'The Late Show" By Brian Stelter, www.cnn.com. April 11, 2014.

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• If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

  Stephen Colbert

  Nsa, Numbers, Needs

  Stephen Colbert's monologue at the White House Correspondents Dinner, www.dailykos.com. April 30, 2006.

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• On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, Voice, Form

  "A Tribute To Stephen Colbert, A Self-Proclaimed "Junkie For Exhaustion". "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross, www.npr.org. December 18, 2014.

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