Billy Connolly Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

  Billy Connolly

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

• I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

• My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Music, Witty

• I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Humor, Should Have

• A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Girlfriend, Brother

• Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Beach, Hurt

• I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Clever, Smart

• So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Sexy, Humor

• Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Mother, Humor

• I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Travel, Differences

• When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Humor, People

• When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Witty, Waiting

• On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Father, Humor

• Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Country, Humor

  "Billy Connolly: Live 1994". DVD, 1994.

• Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Baby, Humor

• Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Humor, Caverns

• When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Humor, Thanks

• Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Morning, Humor

• And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Humor, Past

• Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Sex, Humor

• I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Morning, Humor

• A fart is just your arse applauding.

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Humor, Arses

• Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Travel, Wings

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