Randy Glasbergen Quotes

• What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?

  Randy Glasbergen

  Exercise, Schedules, Busy

  49 Copy quote

• Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

  Randy Glasbergen

  Funny, Humor, Loss

  15 Copy quote

• It's called 'reading'. It's how people install new software into their brains.

  Randy Glasbergen

  Reading, People, Brain

  5 Copy quote

• I learned about stress management from my kids. Every night after work, I drink some chocolate milk, eat sugary cereal straight from the box, then run around the house in my underwear screaming like a monkey.

  Randy Glasbergen

  Running, Stress, Kids

  48 Copy quote

• I think men were destined to become homemakers. After all, who ever heard of "Ms. Clean" or the "Woman from Glad"?

  Randy Glasbergen

  Sex, Men, Thinking

  14 Copy quote

• He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.

  Randy Glasbergen

  Tattoo, Humorous, Thinking

  7 Copy quote

• Whenever I call a company and get put on hold, I never really feel like I'm being held.

  Randy Glasbergen

  Funny Work, Company, Feels

  9 Copy quote

• Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a hot head, press 3

  Randy Glasbergen

  Funny, Hot, Calling

  15 Copy quote

• These motivational tapes have really inspired me! I'm going to make a million dollars, buy my own company and retire early. Then, I'm going to write a novel and a symphony and give all the profits to charity. Then next month, I'll figure out how to do it.

  Randy Glasbergen

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivation

  4 Copy quote

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