Jay Mohr Quotes

Quotes about:

• You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

  Jay Mohr

  Funny, Movie, Senior

  17 Copy quote

• Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

  Jay Mohr

  Hands, Guy, Trying

  15 Copy quote

• What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

  Jay Mohr

  Gun, Culture, Today

  "Experts: Celebrities using Boston marathon bombings to push gun control are confused" By Hollie McKay, www.foxnews.com. April 23, 2013.

  45 Copy quote

• My act now is completely different. I took two years off when I first got with my wife and it was because my old act was all about "Where's the party after this?" I was humping the stool and it's all so disgusting and I was miserable, miserable in a lifeless angry marriage. Then I met my wife and I was completely happy. Like a snake that sheds its skin. I just got rid of all of that negativity.

  Jay Mohr

  Party, Years, Snakes

  Source: underthegunreview.net

  4 Copy quote

• People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth.

  Jay Mohr

  People, Goes On, Telling The Truth

  Source: underthegunreview.net

  4 Copy quote

• I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

  Jay Mohr

  Feel Good, Pounds, Flu

  6 Copy quote

• Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

  Jay Mohr

  Football, Mulligans, Contracts

  7 Copy quote

• I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

  Jay Mohr

  Years, Careers, Stride

  Source: underthegunreview.net

  4 Copy quote

• Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole.

  Jay Mohr

  Brother, Gay, Trying

  6 Copy quote

• The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

  Jay Mohr

  Girl, Daughter, Volleyball

  Twitter post from Feb 11, 2013

  7 Copy quote

• I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

  Jay Mohr

  Divorce, Golf, Thinking

  10 Copy quote

• I started to have panic attacks on stage and my wife just asked, "Why don't you just stop?" I was doing Ghost Whisperer at the time so I was making enough money where I could put it away and she said, "Then, when you go back, you just go up and tell the truth." And it's a lot more tiring.

  Jay Mohr

  Wife, Panic Attacks, Ghost

  Source: underthegunreview.net

  5 Copy quote

• When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

  Jay Mohr

  Moving, Progress, Golfers

  13 Copy quote

• I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.

  Jay Mohr

  Home, Shows, Show Business

  5 Copy quote

• If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So it is a monastic life, it is very lonely, if I was prone to loneliness. It's a lot like wrestling, no one can throw a block for you, no one can give you a pass. Nobody can hand the ball off to you, it's you only for an hour and a half every night.

  Jay Mohr

  Lonely, Block, Loneliness

  Source: underthegunreview.net

  4 Copy quote

• There is a lot of acting that is on the table - precisely, good acting. The best movies of mine are the ones that really nobody saw. The Groomsmen, Playing By Heart and Seeing Other People are by far the work I'm the most proud of.

  Jay Mohr

  Heart, People, Acting

  Source: underthegunreview.net

  4 Copy quote

• Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

  Jay Mohr

  Football, Fantasy, Good Things

  68 Copy quote

• I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.

  Jay Mohr

  Hate, War, Thinking

  4 Copy quote

• Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

  Jay Mohr

  Sports, Mind, Likes

  4 Copy quote

• My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.

  Jay Mohr

  Data, Sound, Radio

  Source: underthegunreview.net

  4 Copy quote

• I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.

  Jay Mohr

  Baseball, Thinking, Years

  4 Copy quote

• If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

  Jay Mohr

  Drinking, Thinking, Scotland

  11 Copy quote

• I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

  Jay Mohr

  Glasses, People, Missing

  7 Copy quote

• She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

  Jay Mohr

  Sex, Rain, Causes

  6 Copy quote

• Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

  Jay Mohr

  Men, Car, Causes

  4 Copy quote

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