I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.
Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.
I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!
I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.
People need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, 'I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.'
In the land of the skunk the man with half a nose is king!
Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.
I live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.
Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.
I want to live fast and die young.
I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn't apply. But they do. It's still life on life's terms, not on movie-star terms. I still have to work at relationships. I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.
Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I'm a human being like everyone else. I'm not exempt.
I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.
I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work... on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and we went to Le Dome and had tons of desserts.
I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.
You gotta fight for your right to vote!
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