I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.
First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.
People need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, 'I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.'
I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!
The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.
In the land of the skunk the man with half a nose is king!
Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.
Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.
I live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.
I want to live fast and die young.
I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn't apply. But they do. It's still life on life's terms, not on movie-star terms. I still have to work at relationships. I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.
Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I'm a human being like everyone else. I'm not exempt.
I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.
I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work... on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and we went to Le Dome and had tons of desserts.
I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.
You gotta fight for your right to vote!
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