S. J. Perelman Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me.

  S. J. Perelman

  Home, Aquariums, Water

  5 Copy quote

• In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that's merely the vanity of advancing age.

  S. J. Perelman

  Thinking, Vanity, Age

  4 Copy quote

• Santa Barbara people are conservative-not like in L.A., where everybody wears rhinestones on their glasses to show that they own an airplane factory.

  S. J. Perelman

  Airplane, Glasses, Santa Barbara

  9 Copy quote

• I used to pride myself on being impervious to the sentimentalities of soap opera, but when that loveliest of actresses, Rachel Gurney, of Upstairs, Downstairs, perished on the Titanic, I wept so convulsively and developed such anorexia that I had to be force-fed.

  S. J. Perelman

  Pride, Anorexia, Television

  7 Copy quote

• FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.

  S. J. Perelman

  Funny, Humor, Feel Better

  6 Copy quote

• You'll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I'll be working pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o'clock.

  S. J. Perelman

  Doors, Secret, Meals

  4 Copy quote

• All right, so call me Miss Cliche of 1960, but the thing about the married ones that always spooks me is how sweet and attentive they are at first, when they're on the prowl.

  S. J. Perelman

  Sweet, Women, Missing

  7 Copy quote

• I found the pearl of the Orient slightly less exciting than a rainy Sunday evening in Rochester.

  S. J. Perelman

  Inspirational, Sunday, Pearls

  5 Copy quote

• As for consulting a dentist regularly, my punctuality practically amounted to a fetish. Every twelve years I would drop whatever I was doing and allow wild Caucasian ponies to drag me to a reputable orthodontist.

  S. J. Perelman

  Years, Twelve, Ponies

  4 Copy quote

• Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.

  S. J. Perelman

  Funny, Humor, Boys

  4 Copy quote

• A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn't know enough to stay in the city.

  S. J. Perelman

  Cities, Wife, Fool

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  8 Copy quote

• One stifling summer afternoon last August, in the attic of a tiny stone house in Pennsylvania, I made a most interesting discovery: the shortest, cheapest method of inducing a nervous breakdown ever perfected. In this technique..., the subject is placed in a sharply sloping attic heated to 340 F and given a mothproof closet known as the Jiffy-Cloz to assemble.

  S. J. Perelman

  Summer, Discovery, August

  5 Copy quote

• He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.

  S. J. Perelman

  Sympathy, Lips, Bites

  7 Copy quote

• I'm half Scotch-Irish on both sides, and when I lose my temper-brother, I go.

  S. J. Perelman

  Brother, Scotch, Half

  8 Copy quote

• In pulp fiction it is a rigid convention that the hero's shoulders and the heroine's balcon constantly threaten to burst their bonds, a possibility which keeps the audience in a state of tense expectancy. Unfortunately for the fans, however, recent tests reveal that the wisp of chiffon which stands between the publisher and the postal laws has the tensile strength of drop-forged steel.

  S. J. Perelman

  Hero, Law, Fans

  "Captain Future, Block That Kick!". "The Most of S. J. Perelman", p. 72, 1992.

  5 Copy quote

• This medal (the National Book Award) together with my American Express card, will identify me worldwide ... except at Bloomingdale's.

  S. J. Perelman

  Book, Awards, Together

  7 Copy quote

• Only the scenario writers are exempt. These are tied between the tails of two spirited Caucasian ponies, which are then driven off in opposite directions. This custom is called a conference.

  S. J. Perelman

  Opposites, Two, Ponies

  "Strictly from Hunger". "The Most of S. J. Perelman", p. 47-48, 1992.

  5 Copy quote

Page 2 of 2

First

← Prev

1

2

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin