Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state the dog is full of love.
I've also proved, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest.
Man is a victim of dope in the incurable form of hope.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
A dog's best friend is his illiteracy.
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
If some confectioners were willing
To let the shape announce the filling,
We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs,
Bitten into and returned to the box.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Too much Chablis can make you whablis.
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
Tonight's December thirty-first, something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
When I ponder my mind I consistently find It is glued On food.
When you're wrong admit it, when you're right, shut up.
Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons, or Celts, Can't seem just to say anything is the thing it is but have to go out of their way to say that it is like something else.
Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of relaxation.
I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.
The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor.
I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew.
I'd rather be a great bad poet than a good bad poet.
And one of his partners asked Has he vertigo? and the other glanced out and down and said Oh no, only about ten feet more.
Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends