I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?
Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."
I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part.
They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?"
I don''t like this reality television, I have to be honest;I think real people should not be on television; It''s for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out.
I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.
My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"
Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.
But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.
Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
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