Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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