Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

  Christopher Titus

  Couple, Father, Party

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". www.imdb.com. 2004.

  19 Copy quote

• Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

  Christopher Titus

  Needs

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  18 Copy quote

• My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. 'I don't want people not taking me serious.' Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Divorce, Thinking

  "Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol". Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2009.

  28 Copy quote

• Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

  Christopher Titus

  Looks, Yeah, Screwed Up

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  18 Copy quote

• The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

  Christopher Titus

  Liars, Wife, Honor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  21 Copy quote

• Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

  Christopher Titus

  Broken, News, Hey

  "Titus"(TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  18 Copy quote

• Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Thinking, Water

  "Titus / Same Courtesy". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  13 Copy quote

• Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.

  Christopher Titus

  Practice, Abortion, Devil

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  20 Copy quote

• Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, War, Philosophical

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  17 Copy quote

• I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!

  Christopher Titus

  Kids, Blood, Giving

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

  20 Copy quote

• I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.

  Christopher Titus

  Beautiful, Mom, Husband

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  19 Copy quote

• A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

  Christopher Titus

  Family, Lying, Family And Friends

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  10 Copy quote

• Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

  Christopher Titus

  Past, Fire, Sometimes

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  7 Copy quote

• At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?

  Christopher Titus

  Daughter, Daddy, Trials

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.

  Christopher Titus

  Perfect, People, Soul

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  10 Copy quote

• Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Booty, Life Is

  "Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  37 Copy quote

• And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Husband, Father

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

  Christopher Titus

  Success, Hurdle, Success Failure

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.

  Christopher Titus

  Emotion, Auschwitz

  "Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol". www.imdb.com. 2009.

  13 Copy quote

• My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

  Christopher Titus

  Car, Groups, Rolling

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

  13 Copy quote

• Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.

  Christopher Titus

  Dream, Teacher, Dad

  "Titus / The Pit". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  5 Copy quote

• The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.

  Christopher Titus

  Wall, Men, America

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  13 Copy quote

• Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

  Christopher Titus

  War, Men, Two

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

• I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.

  Christopher Titus

  White, People

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  6 Copy quote

• I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.

  Christopher Titus

  Father, Years, Needs

  "Titus / The Break-Up". www.imdb.com. 2000.

  14 Copy quote

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