Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

  Christopher Titus

  Fishing, Television, Next

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.

  Christopher Titus

  Dream, Kings, Real

  "Titus / Grad School". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  9 Copy quote

• We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

  Christopher Titus

  Real, Black, President

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  11 Copy quote

• In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Heart, Opportunity

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  11 Copy quote

• Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.

  Christopher Titus

  Girlfriend, Dad, Father

  "Titus / NASCAR". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  12 Copy quote

• I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

  Christopher Titus

  Uncles, Love Is, Drug

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

  10 Copy quote

• I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

  Christopher Titus

  Divorce, Soul, Pounds

  "Love is Evol". Stand-up comedy, 2009.

  15 Copy quote

• I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

  Christopher Titus

  Jobs, Dad, Father

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.

  Christopher Titus

  Keys, Squares, Years

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  6 Copy quote

• Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

  Christopher Titus

  Revenge, Philosophy, Hippie

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

  Christopher Titus

  Daughter, Jobs, Teenage

  "Titus / Errrr". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  13 Copy quote

• Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Grandma, Parent

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  6 Copy quote

• Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

  Christopher Titus

  Proof, Carols, Bowie

  "Christopher Titus: Neverlution", www.imdb.com. 2011.

  12 Copy quote

• They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.

  Christopher Titus

  Jumping, Eggs, Guy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

• My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

  Christopher Titus

  Encouragement, Dad, Support

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  8 Copy quote

• Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

  Christopher Titus

  Uncles, Party, Men

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  11 Copy quote

• I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

  Christopher Titus

  Succeed, Loser, Turds

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.

  Christopher Titus

  Song, Wall, Growing Up

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  9 Copy quote

• Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

  Christopher Titus

  Dollars, Seven, Babysitter

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

  Christopher Titus

  Hurt, Truth, Dad

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  7 Copy quote

• If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.

  Christopher Titus

  Couple, Dad, Moving

  "The Gift of the Car Guy". "Titus" (TV Series), m.imdb.com. 2001.

  9 Copy quote

• Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.

  Christopher Titus

  Men, Vegetables, Ice

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  11 Copy quote

• Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy? But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Acceptance, Boys

  "Titus / Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  8 Copy quote

• I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.

  Christopher Titus

  Dream, Nightmare

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

• No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Philosophical, Problem

  8 Copy quote

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