After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."
We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
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