All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'
I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.
If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?
Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.
I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.
In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.
Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.
As I've always said: The future lies ahead.
The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.
They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!
Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.
If elected, I will win.
The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.
On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.
Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.
Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'
It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.
I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!
A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?
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