Greg Fitzsimmons Quotes

Quotes about:

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

Greg Fitzsimmons

Dog, Men, Noble

10 Copy quote
Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Fun, Mean, Debt

5 Copy quote
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Sex, Two, People

5 Copy quote
Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Good Luck, Luck, Identity

7 Copy quote
I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Jelly, Grapes, Young

7 Copy quote
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Trying, Olympics, Hard

6 Copy quote
My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.

Greg Fitzsimmons

New York, Names, Dumb

9 Copy quote
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Sleep, Hard Times, Men

8 Copy quote
Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Wall, Drinking, Fighting

8 Copy quote
They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Growing Up, Nice, Son

7 Copy quote
Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Looks, Debt, Shapes

6 Copy quote
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Writing, Creative, Challenges

5 Copy quote
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Water, Guy, Tanks

5 Copy quote
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Cynical, Tree, Feels

5 Copy quote
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

Greg Fitzsimmons

Talking, Soul, Be Good

5 Copy quote
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Grandma, Grandmother, Phones

5 Copy quote
Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Wife, Guy, Black

5 Copy quote
I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Trying, Moments, Stage

4 Copy quote
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Running, Country, Dog

9 Copy quote
There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Thinking, Boston, Voice

4 Copy quote
My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Father, Writing, Play

4 Copy quote
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Guy, Want, Ifs

8 Copy quote
They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Men, Shame, Seconds

7 Copy quote
I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Vegas, Relief, Los Angeles

5 Copy quote
I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Want, Life Is, Feels

5 Copy quote

You May Also Like:

Ellen DeGeneres

Joe Rogan

Bill Burr

Greg Fitzsimmons

Follow

Born: April 5, 1966
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

Popular Topics