Craig Kilborn Quotes

Quotes about:

• A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

  Craig Kilborn

  Drinking, College, Phones

  45 Copy quote

• Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'

  Craig Kilborn

  White, House, President

  15 Copy quote

• A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness... from all the free drinks.

  Craig Kilborn

  Drinking, Nausea, Causes

  4 Copy quote

• Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

  Craig Kilborn

  Funny, Dog, Successful

  44 Copy quote

• In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.

  Craig Kilborn

  Iraq, Guy, President

  4 Copy quote

• There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Dollars, Moments, Embarrassing

  4 Copy quote

• In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.

  Craig Kilborn

  Boston, Years, Massachusetts

  7 Copy quote

• My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Brother, People, Misanthrope

  4 Copy quote

• Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question - 'Do I live here?'

  Craig Kilborn

  Simple, Doors, Years

  "Hey, did you hear the one about the California recall election? Chads may have been hung in Florida, but the Golden State is keeping the nation's comics in funny business" by James Sullivan, www.sfgate.com. August 28, 2003.

  4 Copy quote

• As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.

  Craig Kilborn

  Summer, Nice, Reading

  5 Copy quote

• It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses
  for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us
  all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was.

  Craig Kilborn

  War, Liars, Struggle

  4 Copy quote

• Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year.

  Craig Kilborn

  Years, Stripes, Roles

  4 Copy quote

• Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Sleep, Hockey, Player

  7 Copy quote

• Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card.

  Craig Kilborn

  Wife, Gold, Cards

  4 Copy quote

• Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.

  Craig Kilborn

  Bills, Nostalgic, Clinton

  16 Copy quote

• As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.

  Craig Kilborn

  War, Fighting, Iraq

  4 Copy quote

• With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.

  Craig Kilborn

  Responsibility, Cutting, Weekend

  4 Copy quote

• While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.

  Craig Kilborn

  Team, Insult, Okay

  5 Copy quote

• It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Light, Hands, Ultrasounds

  23 Copy quote

• Singer Boy Dylan was stopped at his own sow by security guards who failed to recognize the singer. Asked to comment, Dylan replied, 'I can hardly blame them. Look at me.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Boys, Security Guards, Looks

  4 Copy quote

• President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.

  Craig Kilborn

  War, Iraq, President

  4 Copy quote

• If loving you is wrong, then I'll just like you a whole bunch!

  Craig Kilborn

  Love, Dream, Loving You

  5 Copy quote

• Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.

  Craig Kilborn

  Eight, Names, Secret

  4 Copy quote

• Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.

  Craig Kilborn

  Blow, Cake, Granddaughter

  30 Copy quote

• Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.

  Craig Kilborn

  Directors, United States, News

  4 Copy quote

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