Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?'
Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency.
However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police.
I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum.
The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast.
If Mr. Vincent Price were to be co-starred with Miss Bette Davis in a story by Mr. Edgar Allan Poe directed by Mr. Roger Corman, it could not fully express the pent-up violence and depravity of a single day in the life of the average family.
To my disappointment I now realized that to know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody.
You can do terrible things when you don't know who you are.
The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right.
In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis.
Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency.
There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
So what I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish, burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, loads of it, till I felt sick - but at least I'd had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full.
Sex has never been an obsession with me. It's just like eating a bag of crisps. Quite nice, but nothing marvellous.
The leaves had fallen from the trees and lay crisp and crackling beneath his feet. Picking one up he marveled, not for the first time, at the perfection of nature where leaves were most beautiful at the very end of their lives.
Hunger makes you restless. you dream about food - not just any food, but perfect food, the best food, magical meals, famous and awe-inspiring, the one piece of meat, the exact taste of buttery corn, tomatoes so ripe they split and sweeten the air, beans so crisp they snap between the teeth, gravy like mother's milk singing to your bloodstream.
It's a beautiful thing, diving into the cool crisp water and then just sort of being able to pull your body through the water and the water opening up for you.
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