You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
The better your attitude and the harder you work, the luckier you get.
There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing?
Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.
One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.
Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it.
I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right.
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes. It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head.
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
The trouble that most of us find with the modern matched sets of clubs is that they don't really seem to know any more about the game than the old ones did.
They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it.
I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.
In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn't float too well.
Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?
But you don't have to go up in the stands and play your foul balls. I do.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
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