Conan O'Brien Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Religious, Jesus

• Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

  Conan O'Brien

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  Conan O'Brien's Commencement Address at Dartmouth College in Hanover, New Hampshire, www.dartmouth.edu. June 12, 2013.

• You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Laughter, Hate

• According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Humor, Guy

• The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Humor, Office

• A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Sex, Giving Up

• Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Technology, Perfect

• The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Witty, Sex

• A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Inspirational, Funny, Women

• Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Horse, London Olympics

• Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Player, Eight

• The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, London Olympics, Greek

• Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Girlfriend, London Olympics

• Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Player, Night

• Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Athlete, London Olympics

• It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Race, Mcdonalds

• The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Country, Nice

• This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Volleyball, Beach

• Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Men, Race

• So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Home, Athlete

• The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Horse, Winning

• Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Struggle, Eight

• An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Fighting, Marijuana

• Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, London Olympics, Years

• Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Athlete, Men

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