Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Birthday, Epic

• The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Mafia, Irs

• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Witty, Laughter

• According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Motivational, Death

• Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Makeup, Color

• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

• Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Inspiring, Dog

• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Family, Children

• If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Dog, Humorous

• Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Country, Winter

• That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Christmas, People

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

• Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Travel, Car

• Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  "Oprah Talks to Jerry Seinfeld". Interview with Oprah Winfrey, www.oprah.com. November, 2007.

• I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Goodbye, Smell

• After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Jobs, Work

• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Music, Humorous

• Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Friendship, Dog

• You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Dog, Crazy

• What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

• I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Thinking, Comedy

• I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Running, Watching Tv

• Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Ice Cream, Massage

Page 1 of 2

← Prev

1

2

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin