You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends