You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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