This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.
Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think she's attractive to the opposite sex.
Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.
Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.
Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas.
One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.
A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.
Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.
If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
Money in the bank is like toothpaste in the tube. Easy to take out, hard to put back.
An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.
Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.
This is the age of bargain hunters. If it had been this way in biblical times, we'd probably have been offered another commandment free if we had accepted the first ten.
To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?
Success is a matter of luck. If you want proof, ask any failure.
He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.
If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey.
A bachelor is a guy who leans toward women - but not far enough to lose his balance.
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