If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
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