If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
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