If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
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