Stewart Francis Quotes

• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

  Stewart Francis

  Vengeance, Preoccupation, Therapists

  50 Copy quote

• So what if I cant spell Armageddon, its not the end of the world.

  Stewart Francis

  What If, End Of The World, Armageddon

  12 Copy quote

• Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me

  Stewart Francis

  Looks, Parks, Wonder

  37 Copy quote

• I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified

  Stewart Francis

  Night, Play, Karaoke

  18 Copy quote

• My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles... which sounds so much better than "alcoholic."

  Stewart Francis

  Dad, Drinking, Sound

  15 Copy quote

• I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice.

  Stewart Francis

  Jobs, Voice, Quitting

  7 Copy quote

• Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

  Stewart Francis

  Sex, Rocks, Climbing

  Stewart Francis (2013). “Pun Direction”, p.91, Hachette UK

  18 Copy quote

• My father is schizophrenia, but he's good people.

  Stewart Francis

  Father, People, Good People

  15 Copy quote

• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

  Stewart Francis

  Together, Ships, Saws

  "Edinburgh fringe's 10 funniest jokes revealed" by Mark Brown, www.theguardian.com. August 21, 2012.

  9 Copy quote

• So what if I can't spell Armaggedon? ... it's not the end of the world.

  Stewart Francis

  What If, World, Ends

  9 Copy quote

• I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, afterall they've made their choice

  Stewart Francis

  Thinking, Choices, Use

  10 Copy quote

• Even though I'm proud by dad invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

  Stewart Francis

  Dad, Mirrors, Views

  8 Copy quote

• Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West

  Stewart Francis

  Arses, West, Kim

  "Darren Walsh beats 12-year-old girl to win best joke of Edinburgh fringe" by Ben Beaumont-Thomas, www.theguardian.com. August 24, 2015.

  4 Copy quote

• You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

  Stewart Francis

  Kids, Names, Giving

  "Edinburgh fringe's 10 funniest jokes revealed" by Mark Brown, www.theguardian.com. August 21, 2012.

  8 Copy quote

• Allyson Smith reminds me of a younger, prettier, funnier me. Now if you'll excuse me, the ladies from my bridge club have arrived.

  Stewart Francis

  Bridges, Clubs, Excuse

  4 Copy quote

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