My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
Say what you want about the deaf.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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