The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
Say what you want about the deaf...
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
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