The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
Say what you want about the deaf...
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
How many airports are there in the world?
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids
Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
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