The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
Say what you want about the deaf...
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids
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