The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
Say what you want about the deaf...
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
How many airports are there in the world?
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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