Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
I don't see myself as offending people.
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.
After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
I pay what I have to and not a penny more.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
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