So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.
The Bible says gays arent natural.
What, and a talking snake is?!
Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
I've never said flange to a monkey!
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.
Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
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