Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'
The Bible says gays arent natural.
What, and a talking snake is?!
Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
I've never said flange to a monkey!
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade
Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
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