Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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