Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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