Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.
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