Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends