Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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