Milton Jones Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Air

• If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  FaceBook post by Milton Jones from Dec 27, 2011

• My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Believe, Humor

• Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

• You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Animal

• Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Police

• I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Book, Humor

• I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Black

• Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Choices

• So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Spiritual, Humor

• Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Wall, School

• A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Cat

• About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Grandfather

• Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Corners

• My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Mother, Humor

• I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Girl, Real

• Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

• I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Running, Hate

• When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Daughter, Humor

• As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Children, Humor

  FaceBook post by Milton Jones from Feb 06, 2012

• I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Book, Humor

• I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Blood

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