S. J. Perelman Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.

  S. J. Perelman

  Funny, Humor, Feel Better

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• There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me.

  S. J. Perelman

  Home, Aquariums, Water

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• Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.

  S. J. Perelman

  Funny, Humor, Boys

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• Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you're going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.

  S. J. Perelman

  Funny, California, Giving

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• A basic ingredient in the manufacture of perfume, the attar-a heavy, pale-yellow oil stored in small metal drums-had been put up as collateral by Bulgaria, in lieu of gold, at the Moscow Narodny Bank, a Communist finance house for East-West trade.

  S. J. Perelman

  Pale Yellow, Oil, House

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• A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn't know enough to stay in the city.

  S. J. Perelman

  Cities, Wife, Fool

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I used to pride myself on being impervious to the sentimentalities of soap opera, but when that loveliest of actresses, Rachel Gurney, of Upstairs, Downstairs, perished on the Titanic, I wept so convulsively and developed such anorexia that I had to be force-fed.

  S. J. Perelman

  Pride, Anorexia, Television

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• Tomatoes and squash never fail to reach maturity. You can spray them with acid, beat them with sticks and burn them; they love it.

  S. J. Perelman

  Love, Maturity, Squash

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• I found the pearl of the Orient slightly less exciting than a rainy Sunday evening in Rochester.

  S. J. Perelman

  Inspirational, Sunday, Pearls

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• In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that's merely the vanity of advancing age.

  S. J. Perelman

  Thinking, Vanity, Age

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• You'll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I'll be working pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o'clock.

  S. J. Perelman

  Doors, Secret, Meals

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• All right, so call me Miss Cliche of 1960, but the thing about the married ones that always spooks me is how sweet and attentive they are at first, when they're on the prowl.

  S. J. Perelman

  Sweet, Women, Missing

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• One stifling summer afternoon last August, in the attic of a tiny stone house in Pennsylvania, I made a most interesting discovery: the shortest, cheapest method of inducing a nervous breakdown ever perfected. In this technique..., the subject is placed in a sharply sloping attic heated to 340 F and given a mothproof closet known as the Jiffy-Cloz to assemble.

  S. J. Perelman

  Summer, Discovery, August

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• He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.

  S. J. Perelman

  Sympathy, Lips, Bites

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• I'm half Scotch-Irish on both sides, and when I lose my temper-brother, I go.

  S. J. Perelman

  Brother, Scotch, Half

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• This medal (the National Book Award) together with my American Express card, will identify me worldwide ... except at Bloomingdale's.

  S. J. Perelman

  Book, Awards, Together

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• Only the scenario writers are exempt. These are tied between the tails of two spirited Caucasian ponies, which are then driven off in opposite directions. This custom is called a conference.

  S. J. Perelman

  Opposites, Two, Ponies

  "Strictly from Hunger". "The Most of S. J. Perelman", p. 47-48, 1992.

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