Chelsea Handler Quotes

Quotes about:

• A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

  Chelsea Handler

  Israel, Trying, Camels

  FaceBook post by Chelsea Handler from Jan 28, 2015

  49 Copy quote

• Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

  Chelsea Handler

  Laughing, Important, Laugh Often

  25 Copy quote

• I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

  Chelsea Handler

  4 Copy quote

• My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Mother, Jobs

  55 Copy quote

• I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.64, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

  15 Copy quote

• I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Sleep

  20 Copy quote

• Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Care

  6 Copy quote

• You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

  Chelsea Handler

  Dog

  18 Copy quote

• I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

  Chelsea Handler

  People, Shining, Brighter

  "Chelsea Handler Puts it All Out There". Interview with Marisa Fox, www.redbookmag.com. February 10, 2012.

  18 Copy quote

• I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

  Chelsea Handler

  No Friends, Want, Tact

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.63, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

  9 Copy quote

• That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.

  Chelsea Handler

  Smell, Alcohol, Vodka

  12 Copy quote

• It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

  Chelsea Handler

  Virtue, Pursue, Happens

  "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang". Book by Chelsea Handler, www.today.com. March 9, 2010.

  12 Copy quote

• We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Tuesday

  32 Copy quote

• If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Letters

  4 Copy quote

• I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

  Chelsea Handler

  Adoption

  4 Copy quote

• I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

  Chelsea Handler

  Long, Effort, Shapes

  4 Copy quote

• As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.

  Chelsea Handler

  Circles, Giving, Full Circle

  Source: variety.com

  11 Copy quote

• If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

  Chelsea Handler

  Coke, Dealer, Ifs

  8 Copy quote

• There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

  Chelsea Handler

  Party, Drinking, Two

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.84, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

  9 Copy quote

• You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.

  Chelsea Handler

  Speak Your Mind, Want, Should

  13 Copy quote

• Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Dog, Real

  Chelsea Handler (2012). “Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea”, p.239, Random House

  13 Copy quote

• It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, 'I'm a very good friend.'

  Chelsea Handler

  Good Friend, Opposites, People

  Chelsea Handler (2009). “Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”, p.175, Simon and Schuster

  10 Copy quote

• Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Pain, Heart

  Chelsea Handler (2014). “My Horizontal Life”, p.29, Random House

  6 Copy quote

• If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

  Chelsea Handler

  Dirty, Embarrassing, Ifs

  4 Copy quote

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