Jay Leno Quotes About Today

Quotes about: Today

• A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.

  Jay Leno

  Jobs, Tunnels, Snow

• Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Romantic, Valentines Day

• According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.

  Jay Leno

  Halloween, Thinking, Usa

  "American Morning: Wake Up Call" with Carol Costello, www.cnn.com. October 28, 2011.

• A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.

  Jay Leno

  Country, Queens, Body

• The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

  Jay Leno

  Husband, Talking, Fox News

• Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.

  Jay Leno

  Fools Day, People, Trying

• Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.

  Jay Leno

  Valentines Day, Men, Names

• Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

  Jay Leno

  Believe, Science, Cells

• President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

  Jay Leno

  Lunch, White, House

• A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.

  Jay Leno

  Men, Hands, Wife

• It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.

  Jay Leno

  Two, President, Shadow

• President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.

  Jay Leno

  Numbers, President, Different

• Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.

  Jay Leno

  Gun, Today, South Carolina

• Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.

  Jay Leno

  Today, Influence, Said

• Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.'

  Jay Leno

  Men, Two, Typical

• At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would still lose.

  Jay Leno

  Years, Yesterday, Presidential

• In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out.

  Jay Leno

  Iraq, Medicine, People

• I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Stupid, Light

  "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (Episode #9.31)". Talk-Show, February 14, 2001.

• Vice President Joe Biden said today that 'Syria must be held accountable.' Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.

  Jay Leno

  Ideas, President, Vices

• It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.

  Jay Leno

  Makeup, Florida, Layers

• A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace.

  Jay Leno

  President, Magazines, World

• John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'

  Jay Leno

  Cutting, Nuts, Wife

• According to today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and even Democrats. Say what you want about the guy but he's a uniter!

  Jay Leno

  Jobs, White, People

• A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he's going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.

  Jay Leno

  Thinking, People, Band

• President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.

  Jay Leno

  People, President, Today

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