If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated.
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser.
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.
What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive.
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
Golf is assuredly a mystifying game. It would seem that if a person has hit a golf ball correctly a thousand times, he should be able to duplicate the performance at will. But such is certainly not the case.
The secret of golf is to turn three shots into two.
Never concede the putt that beats you.
When you lip out several putts in a row, you should never think that means that you're putting well. When you're putting well, the only question is what part of the hole it's going to fall in, not if it's going in.
A leading difficulty with the average player is that he totally misunderstands what is meant by concentration. He may think he is concentrating hard when he is merely worrying.
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
Of all the hazards, fear is the worst.
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
The woods are full of long drivers.
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
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