Emo Philips Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Death, Forgiveness

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Motivational Sports, Humorous

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

• I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humorous, Thinking

• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

  Emo Philips

  Love, Funny, Humor

• You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Sexy, Money

• I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Catholic

  Twitter post from Mar 31, 2010

• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Evil

• When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Emo, Nice

  "E=MO²". Album by Emo Philips, 1985.

• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

  Emo Philips

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  "E=MO²". Comedy Album, 1985.

• I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  YouTube Channel "zappbrannigan"/"Emo Philips - 1983 (part 1 of 2)", www.youtube.com. October 15, 2007.

• A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Coffee, Humor

  "The best God joke ever - and it's mine!". www.theguardian.com. September 29, 2005.

• Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Reality

  "E=MO²". Album by Emo Philips. Track: 'A Fine How Ya Do', 1985.

• I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Life, Humor

• So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Wall, Humor

  "The Best God Joke Ever - and It's Mine!". www.theguardian.com. September 29, 2005.

• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Encouragement, Morning

• I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Looks, Plastic

• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, New Day

• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

• Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Squash

• He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Smile, Taught

• I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "75 Funniest Jokes of All Time". "GQ Magazine", June 1999.

• I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Girl, Humor

• Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Country, Humor

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