My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
I model irregular clothing.
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart,
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
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