A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'
Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I dont get that -- people going to war over religion. I dont know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if youre going to war over religion, now youre just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.
Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?
To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.
You know what the average person is? Average.
Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
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