Bill Engvall Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Hate, Stupid

  "Here's Your Sign". Live album by Bill Engvall, 1996.

• I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Running, Baby

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 15, 2013

• I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 23, 2013

• That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Men

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Feb 19, 2013

• I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Vacation

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 28, 2013

• This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Baseball, Dog

• Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Morning, Humor

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road". TV Special, www.imdb.com. June 15, 2006.

• I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Jumping

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 22, 2013

• You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, House

  "Here's Your Sign". Comedy album by Bill Engvall, 2004.

• No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Uncles, Humor

• As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Rooms

  "Bill Engvall: Aged & Confused". Comedy/ TV Special, www.imdb.com. 2009.

• I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Mistake, Coffee

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 25, 2013

• I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Two

  "Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography". Album, 2002.

• He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Golf

  "Here's Your Sign". Comedy, 1996.

• Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Honey

  "Bill Engvall: 15º Off Cool". TV Special, www.imdb.com. March 25, 2007.

• My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Feb 12, 2013

• I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Teacher, Kids

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 22, 2013

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