In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king.
Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.
First off I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
I live in a van, down by the river!
I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants
Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I'm a human being like everyone else. I'm not exempt.
I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.
Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta HUG!!!
I want to live fast and die young.
Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.
I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.
I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work... on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and we went to Le Dome and had tons of desserts.
I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn't apply. But they do. It's still life on life's terms, not on movie-star terms. I still have to work at relationships. I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.
People need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, 'I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.'
The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.
I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.
You gotta fight for your right to vote!
I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.
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