Erma Bombeck Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Funny, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Kids, Car

• When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Family, Mom

• People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Wedding, Husband

• I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

• Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Food, Humor

• Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Funny, Travel

• I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Humorous, Food

• Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession”, p.14, Open Road Media

• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Block, Fire

• A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Friendship, Laughter

• Never have more children than you have car windows.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Life, Witty

• Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Family, Mom

• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Running, Sex

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Moving, Furniture

• Never accept a drink from a urologist.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

• He who laughs.....lasts.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Funny, Happiness

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.46, Open Road Media

• People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Couple, Husband

  Erma Bombeck (2011). “I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression”, p.17, Fawcett

• In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Family, Children

• For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

• Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Mother, Dog

• My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Erma Bombeck, Bil Keane (2011). “Just Wait Till You Have Children of Your Own!”, p.119, Fawcett

• I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" They will range from "Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York," to "You were defrosted."

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Baby, New York

• For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Baby, Children

• If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”, p.173, Open Road Media

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