Bill Engvall Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

  Bill Engvall

  Suicide, Hunger Strike, California

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 25, 2013

  45 Copy quote

• I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.

  Bill Engvall

  Destiny, Texas, Brain

  7 Copy quote

• Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

  Bill Engvall

  Dad, Son, Yesterday

  "Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography". Book by Bill Engvall, 2002.

  14 Copy quote

• Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

  Bill Engvall

  Light, Gutters, Honey

  Twitter post from Apr 30, 2013

  9 Copy quote

• Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Morning, Humor

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road". TV Special, www.imdb.com. June 15, 2006.

  24 Copy quote

• When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

  Bill Engvall

  Doors, Bus, Bus Driver

  9 Copy quote

• The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

  Bill Engvall

  Thinking, People

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Dec 03, 2009

  5 Copy quote

• I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

  Bill Engvall

  Doctors, Wife, Car

  7 Copy quote

• Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

  Bill Engvall

  Sex, War, Pieces

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, 2004.

  16 Copy quote

• I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

  Bill Engvall

  Believe, Should Have, Want

  11 Copy quote

• How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

  Bill Engvall

  Hard

  22 Copy quote

• I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

  Bill Engvall

  Sex, Gay, Hell

  20 Copy quote

• I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

  Bill Engvall

  Pain, Believe, Life Sucks

  5 Copy quote

• I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

  Bill Engvall

  Believe, Heart, Men

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  7 Copy quote

• God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

  Bill Engvall

  Good Day, Made, Said

  8 Copy quote

• When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

  Bill Engvall

  Feelings, Looks, World

  19 Copy quote

• Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

  Bill Engvall

  Clouds, Flying, Needs

  Twitter post from Dec 19, 2010

  13 Copy quote

• No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Uncles, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Vacation

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 28, 2013

  9 Copy quote

• My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Feb 12, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Teacher, Kids

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 22, 2013

  9 Copy quote

• I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

  Bill Engvall

  Drunk, One Day, Would Be

  4 Copy quote

• I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

  Bill Engvall

  Class, Skills, Guy

  8 Copy quote

• So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

  Bill Engvall

  Sharks, Water, Safe

  Twitter post from May 29, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

  Bill Engvall

  Two, People, Hippo

  10 Copy quote

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