Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
The past always looks better than it was;
it's only pleasant because it isn't here.
A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.
No, sir, th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an' set in opposite corners while wan mutthers Thraiter an' th' other hisses Miscreent ye can bet they're two dimmycratic leaders thryin' to reunite th' gran' ol' party.
That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.
Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.
It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels.
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.
I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.
I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.
Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while.
Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.
High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts.
There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.
To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable clothes.
There's always wan encouragin' thing about th' sad scientific facts that come out ivrv week in th' pa-apers. They're usually not thrue.
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
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