Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
The past always looks better than it was;
it's only pleasant because it isn't here.
That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.
Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
No, sir, th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an' set in opposite corners while wan mutthers Thraiter an' th' other hisses Miscreent ye can bet they're two dimmycratic leaders thryin' to reunite th' gran' ol' party.
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels.
Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.
Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.
No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not, the Supreme Court follows the election returns.
I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.
What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.
A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.
Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.
High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts.
Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.
I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.
It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.
An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.
Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while.
There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.
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