Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either.
Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.
When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done
Of all the unbearable nuisances, the ignoramus that has traveled is the worst.
It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you.
Very often the quiet fellow has said all he knows
No matter how much strong black coffee we drink, almost any after- dinner speech will counteract it.
A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.
Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.
A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.
Don't a fellow feel good after he gets out of a store where he nearly bought something.
The election is not very far off when a candidate can recognize you across the street.
The world gets better every day - then worse again in the evening.
Only one fellow in ten thousand understands the currency question, and we meet him every day.
Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
Every father expects his boy to do the things he wouldn't do when he was young.
A loafer always has the correct time.
As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God's path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony: on a day when these things shall be heated in hell-fire, and their foreheads, and their sides, and their backs shall be branded therewith.
The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.
It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about.
Ther's still a few honest folks left but they never seem t' find anything you lose.
Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation.
When a woman says, 'I don't wish to mention any names', it means it ain't necessary to mention any names.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
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