A sadder but wiser man is a thousand times more agreeable to meet than the feller that never makes a mistake.
University: ... a place where rich men send their sons who have no aptitude for business.
If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.
The reason the way of the transgressor is hard is because it's so crowded.
Fashion: a barricade behind which men hide their nothingness.
Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.
My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed
If there's anything mean in a feller, a litter authority will bring it out.
Knowin' all about baseball is just about as profitable as bein' a good whittler.
Nobuddy ever listened t' reason on a empty stomach.
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
I don't look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans.
I'm sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory. Luckily your lifetime warranty on your heart is still in effect. Of course, that becomes void and expires when you do.
There is plenty of peace in any home where the family doesn't make the mistake of trying to get together.
Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought.
One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
When some fellers decide to retire nobody knows the difference.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Litigation: A form of hell whereby money is transferred from the pockets of the proletariat to that of lawyers.
Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either.
Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.
When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done
Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.
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