John Kerry Quotes - Page 4

• 'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.

  Conan O'Brien

  Stories, Firsts, Week

  11 Copy quote

• My position is not that John Kerry is either Jesus Christ or the prophet Mohammad. My position is that John Kerry is the possibility of restarting politics.

  Todd Gitlin

  Jesus, Christ, Possibility

  4 Copy quote

• Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.

  Craig Kilborn

  People, Unemployment, Lasts

  4 Copy quote

• As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day.

  Craig Kilborn

  President, Routine, Six Months

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.

  David Letterman

  Reading, Kids, Messages

  4 Copy quote

• Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment.

  Jay Leno

  Judgment, Said, Concerts

  4 Copy quote

• Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts.

  Craig Kilborn

  Gay, People, Support

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.

  Craig Kilborn

  Wife, Suits, Naked

  4 Copy quote

• President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.

  Jay Leno

  Dating, President, Income

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened.

  Jay Leno

  Fall, Sunday, Weekend

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'

  Jay Leno

  Wife, President, Looks

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head.

  Jay Leno

  Sound, Cost, Interviews

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.

  Jay Leno

  President, Rich, Catering

  4 Copy quote

• They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'

  Jay Leno

  Two, Presidential, Three

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.

  Craig Kilborn

  Hurt, Iraq, Shoulders

  4 Copy quote

• Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card.

  Craig Kilborn

  Wife, Gold, Cards

  4 Copy quote

• A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.

  Jay Leno

  Moving, Thinking, White

  5 Copy quote

• Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?

  Jay Leno

  Weekend, Presidential, Dean

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely.

  Jay Leno

  Lonely, Prayer, Doctors

  4 Copy quote

• An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'

  Jimmy Fallon

  Rumor, Scandal, Internet

  9 Copy quote

• New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, 'John Kerry hates our troops'.

  Bill Maher

  Sex, Hate, Gay

  4 Copy quote

• Here's some exciting news - according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it's too early to tell who would lose bigger!

  Jay Leno

  Running, New York, Thinking

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her - at her bank.

  Jay Leno

  Vacation, Long, Wife

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry and the other Democratic leaders are on the wrong side of history, as they were during the Reagan presidency. If they had won the day, and Reagan had failed, the Soviet Union would still exist, as would all the harm and suffering it unleashed, and American security would be far weaker as a result. And if they win this election thanks to a promise to undo the Reagan-Bush Doctrine, those cheering loudest will be the most evil-loving among us.

  Mark Levin

  Cheer, Winning, Evil

  19 Copy quote

• The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had.

  Jay Leno

  Dating Someone, Hair, Boston

  4 Copy quote