The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.
I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
Jaguar — For men who'd like hand-jobs from beautiful women they hardly know.
I can hear the music all around me.
When I think of Canada I think of tonic water.
Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you're with, but you can leave when you want to.
Music is the surest way of reaching someone else's heart.
I haven't had that many women - only as many as I could lay my hands on.
I am trapped in this body, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Volvo — they're boxy but they're good.
I certainly did feel inferior. Because of class. Because of strength. Because of height. I guess if I'd been able to hit somebody in the nose, I wouldn't have been a comic.
In the course of an average lifetime anyone growing up in a house with such a clock will hear the tune over a million times.
It seems that a lot of people, who haven't known of me as a pianist, think I've just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what's happened now.
Maybe the memory does play tricks. Increasingly, I'm thinking, 'What was their name? I knew that name yesterday.' I think that's what happens. At some point, I'll forget that I ever worked with Peter Cook, I suppose, and Alan Bennett and Jonathan Miller.
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