Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.
One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.
A Smile is a curve which can set a lot of things straight.
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it.
Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.
Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.
In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say.
I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.
Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.
I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?
What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
In my dreams of Heaven, I always see the great Masters gathered in a huge hall in which they all reside. Only Mozart has his own suite.
I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?
When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every time I slopped the cadenza . . . I hate Liebestraum.
Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.
(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?
Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.
That's why I've never thought of retiring because I do it all the time whether on the stage or off. I found that in a precarious situation, a smile is the shortest distance between people. When one needs to reach out for sympathy or a link with people, what better way is there?
Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
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