Christians, you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules! Either stick to them or abandon the faith.
I don't mind not being cool; I wear a cardigan.
I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.
I went to China for a brief working visit, and I thought that Shanghai was interesting, but Beijing totally grabbed me.
Britain is obsessed with political correctness.
I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy.
I have learnt that I am incapable of packing the right amount of clothing, probably because I start 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave, and that I truly hate airports.
My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none.
I find myself by default an atheist but fairly unhappily so. It would be bloody marvelous if there was a god.
I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.
You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.
Jews, I know you're God's chosen people and the rest of us are just 'whatever', but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it, that doesn't make them anti-Semitic.
Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless lips without a thought about those they might offend and why that might be important.
I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.
And much as I enjoy writing and creating stuff, I don't enjoy it so much that I am willing to give up any time that could otherwise be spent performing.
All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.
Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done; shame is feeling bad about who you are - all it is, is muddling up things you have done with who you are.
Never Google yourself. Seriously, don't!
The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.
I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn't have a clue.
I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.
Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.
Jim Henson was an absolute genius.
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