Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.
It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?
All socialists have bad backs because we slouch — except when we're watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.
The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.
My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!
Most harm is done by people who are awake.
The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.
Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.
If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.
Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.
Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.
The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.
You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.
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