As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
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