Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.
I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.
Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.
It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.
Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
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